


What We Do in the Smash Manor

by Nightshade_and_Moonbeams



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Bowser is in love with Peach, F/M, Ganondorf POV, Humor, Inklings are little crybabies, Innuendo, Kind of a mockumentary, Link is a cockblock, Lots of sarcasm, Pink haired Princess Peach, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, Villains and Princesses forever, Zelda has an evil streak, lots of cussing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:41:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26742295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightshade_and_Moonbeams/pseuds/Nightshade_and_Moonbeams
Summary: The Great King of Evil from Hyrule must play nice with the rest of the Smashers in Smash Manor. But, as Ganondorf sees it, most of them are idiots. Princess Zelda, meanwhile, is dealing with over perfumed and painted Mushroom Kingdom Princesses that are pushing all of her buttons. Bowser just wants his remote back. Link is a cockblock in every possible way. And who's damn pig is this?!
Relationships: Ganondorf/Zelda (Legend of Zelda), Peach/Bowser (Mario), Samus Aran/Solid Snake
Kudos: 15





	1. 10 o'clock AM

A loud burp echoed through the Black Wing of Smash Manor. It was 10 o’clock in the morning on a Saturday, and Wario was already three sheets to the wind. Or, perhaps, he had never gone to bed the previous night and was still tanked. He sat in his oversized armchair with a cigarette hanging out of the corner of his mouth, cursing at the television. 

Bowser was just making his way into the common room with his son bouncing behind him when a crushed beer can whizzed past his head. A flame shot sideways from Bowser’s nostrils and he glared at Wario who shrugged and continued to scream at the television. “Junior”, as Bowser’s son liked being called, repeated at least three words in the string of obscenities he heard before Bowser snarled at Wario and demanded he show some respect with a child in the room. 

“What are you watching, anyways?” asked Bowser. He studied the little squiggles flying past each other on the screen, frowning at the loud whirring noises in the background. 

“Race,” hiccuped Wario. “That bastard Link’s winning. Waluigi is losing to that fucking fairy boy.”

Heavy footsteps on the stairs echoed briefly before stopping. Ganondorf grimaced. Ten in the morning and Wario was already drunk. Of course. And Bowser was likely going to attempt a coup of the remote. He wondered which one would start the fist fight this time. 

“I’m surrounded by idiots,” he muttered, stomping into the kitchen for coffee.

The kitchen was one of the few places in the manor where all the other smashers would gather. The overpowering scent of rosewater and strawberries hit Ganondorf like a slap in the face. Peach and Daisy were sitting across from Zelda who had a very similar expression to his own. She stared straight ahead with what Peach referred to as “resting bitch face.” Quietly, Zelda rubbed her temples. 

Ganondorf decided to scare off the bimbos for his own twisted amusement. He waited for Peach (or Daisy, you never could tell) to be flirtatious. They typically batted their eyes at Cloud, giggled prettily for Link, or ogled Ike’s physique. One vicious snarl or crude comment from Ganondorf usually sent them fleeing, though. Today, their target was of the canine variety. Fox stood awkwardly smiling at the ditzy duo. 

“Oh, show us the laser gun again, Foxy!” giggled Daisy, fondling the gadget. 

Zelda caught Ganondorf’s eye and mouthed, “Help me!”

Ganondorf raised his eyebrows innocently and pointed to his chest, mouthing back, “Who, me?”

She nodded almost imperceptibly. Ganondorf gave her a smug smirk. Though he thoroughly enjoyed watching Zelda squirm, he preferred to be the one tormenting her. Shallow conversation and superficial bitches were a poor substitute for his imagination. His voice was deep and smooth when he spoke. “So, ladies, I can’t help but wonder where the sudden fascination with this pup has come from? Unless you two have worn out all of your gentlemen and decided to start fucking the dogs for a change.”

Daisy and Peach exchanged embarrassed glances. Zelda snorted and choked on her coffee. Fox stuttered, bowed and exited the room, tripping over his feet as he went.

“Ugh, he's such a pig,” whispered Peach to Daisy. 

Ganondorf grinned wickedly. “As feral as they come, ladies. Oh? You like pups just fine, though, right? Guess a pig is too much for you two lovelies.” To punctuate his wickedness, he made an unholy squealing shriek that sounded exactly like the boar he could be. 

Peach and Daisy blushed furiously and ran out of the room, leaving Ganondorf alone with Zelda. She snickered. “That sound was simply awful, Ganondorf. I don’t know whether to be amused or horrified.”

“I believe the word you’re looking for is thankful,” replied Ganondorf, a sadistic grin tugging at the side of his mouth. He poured a cup of coffee and sat next to her, making certain to pop any personal bubble she might have. She didn’t seem to notice, or, if she did she certainly didn’t seem to care. Strange. 

Zelda feigned a sigh. “My hero,” she replied sarcastically, clasping her hands together and leaning against Ganondorf. She batted her eyelashes much in the same way Peach and Daisy had but ended with an eye roll and snort. “Seriously, though, thank you. I hate being left alone ⁶with them.” Zelda covered his hand with hers and genuinely smiled at him.

Ganondorf raised an eyebrow and tipped her chin. Perhaps he could get a rise out of her? That would certainly make his day better. “Would you rather be left alone with me? I can torture you in numerous delightful ways, Princess.” 

Zelda blushed all the way to the tips of her pointed ears but she didn’t remove her hand or break eye contact for many moments. In fact, she licked her lips before nervously sipping her coffee. The small gesture did not go unnoticed. 

Huh, thought Ganondorf, that’s new. Maybe she’s coming around to me after all. If only I could convince her to be my queen in Hyrule, my life might be damn near perfect. She blushes beautifully. I wonder if the rest of her body turns as red as her face? Ganondorf shifted uncomfortably in his armor at that particular fantasy--and the road it was leading down. 

A loud crash and a torrent of obscenities tore them both away from their thoughts. Flames shot under the kitchen door and screaming echoed in the next room. The table rattled and the audible “crack” of someone being body slammed into the hardwood floor could be heard.

“What in the world--?”

“The resident dumbasses are fighting over the remote again,” replied Ganondorf, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance. “I repeat, I am surrounded by idiots.”

“That makes two of us,” sighed Zelda, smoothing out her skirts. She looked thoughtful for a moment. “Hey, I mean, at least we have each other, right?” She leaned over and kissed his sharp cheek before slipping away from the table to put her cup in the sink. 

It was Ganondorf’s turn to choke on his coffee. “The fuck did you do that for?” he growled. 

Zelda shrugged. “Because you’re my solace of intelligence and wit in this nightmare,” she replied. “Every day I have to play nicely with the other girls. Every day I get tagged by multiple heroes like I’m going to get captured by one of your idiotic roommates. You’re one of the few people I can talk to and even then, I basically have to get kidnapped to get you alone. It’s no different than what happens in Hyrule.” 

Ganondorf frowned. “Don’t tell me you just let me capture you for shits and giggles.”

Zelda smirked. “You have such a foul mouth.”

His hand shot out and grabbed her wrist, pulling her to him. She collided with his chest, her fingers tangling in his crimson cape. “Don’t change the subject, Zelda” he rumbled. His amber eyes searched her blue ones. He noticed she smelled faintly of orchids and something richer he couldn’t quite place. Incense, maybe? 

Zelda brushed the corner of his jaw with her fingertips and bit her bottom lip. “And if I do? Will you be appalled? The damsel in distress purposely putting herself there for attention? Worse yet, attention from the monster of the never ending fairytale?” He leaned into her soft touch, both bewildered and amused. “By the way, Ganondorf, I liked your beard. I miss it.” 

With that, she twisted away and left a confused and chaotic man sitting at the table, staring into his coffee. Well, this day was just getting more interesting by the minute.


	2. Shenanigans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ganondorf assists Bowser in retrieving the remote and learns Zelda has a twisted sense of humor.

The kitchen door flew open and Junior paraded through, gloating proudly, “My dad just beat the the shi--”

“Son!” warned Bowser, grabbing him by the scruff of his neck. Bowser sported a glowing shiner around his eye and some fresh bite marks on his arms. Angry steam rolled from his mouth.

Ganondorf snorted, folding his arms in front of his chest. “I take it you won?”

Bowser drug Wario into the kitchen under his other arm. He held up the bloodied and bruised man with the television remote still firmly in hand. “Almost.” 

“Need assistance?” chuckled Ganondorf, raising his eyebrows, a wave of dark energy appearing in his hand. 

“Please,” grunted Bowser moments before he lost his footing, tripped, stepped on a stray Inkling’s head, and proceeded to launch his son through the kitchen door into the adjacent armchair, dropping Wario in the process. Bowser ended up on his butt, half sitting on Wario, the pink haired Inkling squished under his tail. Ganondorf roared with laughter at the sight of the destruction. A loud cackle echoed through the kitchen simultaneously. Zelda had returned just in time to witness the entire mess and was now doubled over in hysterical peels of laughter. A sharp cry from the Inkling calmed her a bit until Junior popped his bright red head up over the armchair and started taunting the other sobbing child. 

“Waah! Waah! Waah! You’re such a baby!” sneered the tiny turtle demon. Zelda, still giggling, picked up the Inkling and attempted to soothe her. The Inkling was near sounding like an air raid siren in her fit. 

In the meantime, Wario had crawled out from below Bowser, out of the kitchen, and was attempting to retrieve his discarded (but still smouldering) cigarette. Ganondorf rolled his eyes before taking three steps and stomping out the cigarette, his boots narrowly missing Wario’s pudgy fingers. 

“You have no idea how tempting it is to kick you in the face for pissing me off before I’d had my coffee this morning,” remarked Ganondorf, watching Wario drunkenly attempt to stand. 

Wario staggered to his feet, glaring daggers at the Gerudo. “I should punch ya in the balls, ya overgrown--OOF!”

In a flash, Ganondorf dropped low and kicked Wario’s feet out from under him, flattening him once more. “You were saying? Bowser, you want to take over from here?”

Bowser stood, sneering at Wario before body slamming him once more and stomping on his arm. The violent release of breath was audible and the remote shot out of Wario’s hand (finally), quickly being snatched up by Junior. The little turtle’s glee was palpable. 

“Yay! Cartoon time! Thanks Dad and Ganondork!” 

Zelda snickered again when Ganondorf cringed at the nickname and shrugged. “You’re welcome, brat,” replied the Gerudo, setting his face in the familiar smirk. 

Zelda had since placated the squalling Inkling, creating cotton candy out of her magic to stop the ear-splitting shrieks. Ganondorf raised a bright red eyebrow. “You think she needs that much sugar this early?” 

Zelda gave him a vicious grin before whispering something to the young girl. The little creature grinned evilly, released herself from Zelda’s embrace, and skipped merrily away, munching the candy floss as she went. 

“Zelda, what did you do?”

“Nothing. I just told her where her missing paint gun is,” replied Zelda nonchalantly. Ganondorf stared at her. “It’s in Peach and Daisy’s room, above Pichu’s cage--and fully loaded with enchanted paint that won’t wash out... I checked to make certain this morning,” she continued, looking at her feet. “I may also have mentioned they were just thinking about dying their hair bright colors...emphasis on the ‘may.’” 

Ganondorf grinned wide enough to brandish his sharp canines. “You’re just full of surprises today, aren’t you? Who taught you such wicked things?” he teased. 

Zelda smirked. “I’ve learned from the best, sir. That’d be you and Young Link. Naughty, naughty boys.” She winked saucily at him and giggled at Bowser’s new cushion for watching television--Wario. Zelda’s voice dropped to a whisper and she leaned close to Ganondorf. “I want to talk to you later, alone. There are things that need to be said.” She reached over and clasped his much larger hand in hers, squeezing gently.

“And how are you planning to get me alone, hmm? Doesn’t one hero or another pretty much follow you everywhere?” he asked, eyeing her hand. 

“I’ve learned a few tricks to escape them. Meet me in the gardens after the house meeting this afternoon,” she replied, her eyes flicking to his again. 

“Shit. I forgot about that,” he muttered. Quickly he lifted her hand to his mouth and brushed his lips against it. Deciding to be somewhat wicked, he turned her hand over and lightly bit the inside of her wrist, eliciting a squeak from the Princess. “This isn’t Hyrule, Princess. I’m not sure you can trust me to behave all alone with you. Not after what you told me at the table earlier.”

A devious smile settled over her face. “I’m not sure I can either. And yet, I’m ok with that.”

Shock was written all over the Gerudo’s face. Zelda laughed before pulling her hand away. Bowser glanced over, squinting his eyes at Ganondorf and giving him a toothy grin. Ganondorf glared at Bowser (who waggled his eyebrows suggestively) before turning his attention back to the Princess. 

“Gardens, right. Until then, Princess,” he purred, deciding to play along, whatever her endgame might be. 

“Oh, before I leave, have any of you happened to see Samus? Rosalina will be angry if she doesn’t show up again,” said Zelda. 

Bowser and Ganondorf looked at eachother, each with a grin worse than the other. Both hesitated to respond to the Princess. It was Wario who coughed and slurred from beneath Bowser. “Prolly with Ssssnake. Check ‘is bedroom.”

“I’d knock first, though,” replied Ganondorf quickly, covering his mouth with the back of his hand, snickering. 

“They’re probably having more fun than any of us,” remarked Bowser with a nod. 

Zelda made a face, her eyes growing wide in realization. She clamped her hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle. “Oh. Oh! Gotcha, thanks. Uh, maybe one of the others can look for her. I’d hate to--uh--interrupt anything.”

Ganondorf bit back a grin, chewing the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood. Zelda curtsied and gave them a small smile.

"Farewell, Princess. Until later," Ganondorf murmured lower, catching her eye, causing her to blush again. She gave a small nod and quickly exited the room. 

"I think she likes you," said Bowser with a snort.

Ganondorf gave him a small smirk. "I can only hope."


End file.
